Ooops I did it again….

I’m shocking at this. I start a blog, then forget about it, then start it again and disappear again.

I am a crazy list person, I make lists for lists and then lists of those list containing lists within all those lists. I can’t help it, it’s a compulsion, part of my OCD apparently. Sometimes, it’s as simple as writing a list and then getting on with stuff but recently things are not so simple.

For a while now my anxiety has been creeping it’s way back into my life. My OCD has been rearing it’s ugly head more and more and my depression is just hell.

Yes, I’m another blogger with mental health issues, but so many of us have some sort of mental health issue. Talking, or typing, about it not only helps that person but can also help so many more out there.

So, anyway, I’ve been feeling shit so I knew it was time to call the Dr and probably end up on happy pills again. I really didn’t want this, but knew it was needed. It took me four months to make the appointment. Sometimes, with depression and anxiety, doing a task can seem impossible. It’s the hardest thing you could ever do, even though it’s also a really important thing you need to do.

Each time I felt the courage to phone there were no appointments available. So four months it took in the end. Four months of hell that got worse, and worse.

I got the appointment, broke down crying while trying to explain everything through snot and tears…so attractive. The GP reacted with sympathy and loveliness that was so obviously forced that I cried more from embarrasment and panic. I left five minutes later with a prescription for some happy pills and a referral for counselling. Yay.

But, oh my god. The pills. The pills were awful. They say to give them 2-3 weeks to work, they warn you the symptoms can be hard but it will get better. Nope. Just nope. I felt like I was being electrocuted constantly, my whole body zinged and tingled. I couldn’t sit still, an issue I face with my depression, etc anyway but this was on a whole different level. I swear I could have run a marathon and beat whatever the famous marathon runners are called no problem (see how into sport I am🙄). It was horrible. My OCD became more of an issue as I now had an uncontrollable urge to move and do constantly. To top it all off, I couldn’t sleep. Not just restless nights, not my normal 2-3 hours. Actual no sleep at all until I collapsed from exhaustion for an hour or two every few days. After 22 days I stopped the tablets.

So back to square one of knowing I need medication to help but also knowing that involves making a phone call and then talking to the GP.

I received a letter from the counselling place. It came with a questionnaire that was actually really daunting to read never mind fill in. I picked it up, got scared, put it down again several times a day. Worst thing though, I had to phone and make an appointment. I haven’t been able to do it and the deadline was yesterday. So, yeah, I need to tell the GP that bit too.

So, I carry on my day to day, with my multitude of lists, which sometimes help keep me on track so I can function to some sort of normality but also sometimes take over my life. It’s amazing how much time can disappear when you are consumed with lists. I really need to get this under control.

Maybe it’s something a counsellor could help me with, when I can make a stupid phone call.

Enough ramblings for today. Maybe one day I’ll do a proper post, that’s planned out properly and informative like the blog posts I read. Maybe. One day 😂